I Made a Deal With the Devil, and All I Got Was This Stupid Leather Jacket

You should know by now that Tom and I are super obsessed with movies, the worse the better. I mean, this is the whole point of this little blog thing, to explain ourselves to those in our lives that just can't understand why. Well, we aren't the only ones who enjoy bad movies, MST3K is proof of that. Many of our friends feel the same way too. Today's post is the first of hopefully many guest posts by one of our movie loving friends, Chris Martinez. Sometimes we have the same opinion when it comes to movies, but when we disagree, we love to debate them (usually over a few pints at our favorite local bar, McGeary's). I personally haven't seen the film that Chris was nice enough to review for us, but he makes it seem very interesting. So, without further ado, I give you our first ever guest post by the great Monsignor Martinez.  

I Made A Deal With the Devil,

and All I Got Was This Stupid Leather Jacket

              The movie sequel that absolutely nobody was clamoring for has finally arrived in theaters.  Future Razzie award winner Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance  features Nicholas Cage resurrecting the character of Johnny Blaze and his anti-hero alter ego, Ghost Rider, in the follow-up to 2007's Ghost Rider.  After the first film's release, it was universally agreed upon by both comic fan-boys and critics  that it had unseated Daredevil as the worst comic book adaptation ever forced upon theater goers.  Apparently Nic Cage wasn't too happy with that dubious honor, so he set out to make Spirit of Vengeance to put things right.  I can now report to you that he has without a doubt accomplished that goal; from now on, Ghost Rider will no longer be known as the bottom of the barrel of comic book movies.  Spirit of Vengeance has arrived to take over the number one spot with...well, with a vengeance. 

             A quick back story for those unfamiliar with the lesser known Marvel Comics character:  The character of  Ghost Rider has been around in various incarnations for quite a long time.  Originally conceived as a western character, Ghost Rider was a cowboy who had a flaming skull for a head riding atop a spectral horse (Fun fact about a not so fun movie: Sam Elliot played this character in the first Ghost Rider film and to this day remains the only enjoyable thing about the entire horrid affair). 

Back in the 70's, Marvel updated the character to fit with the times.  The new Ghost Rider was Johnny Blaze, an Evil Knievel type stunt showman who jumped motorcycles in a traveling show and was possibly the dumbest named fictional character ever (I'm willing to bet that his real name is like Mortimer Blazinokowski or something equally awkward sounding).  When a loved one of Johnny's becomes ill, he decides to strike a deal with the Devil to save their life, because clearly Johnny did his research and saw the infinitely long list of people who have done this and had everything work out perfectly, with no complications or shenanigans from the Devil what-so-ever.  In return for the favor, Johnny agrees to become the Devil's personal bounty hunter.  The Devil screws Johnny over (shocking right?  Never saw that coming.), by permanently bonding him with Zarathos, a demon who digs revenge.  Whenever an innocent person is harmed and Johnny is nearby, he forcefully transforms into the flaming-skulled, leather clad, chain wielding S&M dominatrix...er, excuse me, I mean Ghost Rider, complete with a super cool accessory motorcycle with fiery wheels.  Although one has to wonder why the Devil would want to help innocent people so badly, but whatever.  It was the 70's and I'm sure the artists and writers in the Marvel bullpen at the time were laying down lines of coke like Ghost Rider's bike laying down fire on the highway, so plot was probably secondary to everything else.  Later on in the 90's, Marvel brought back Ghost Rider again, this time with NYPD office Dan Ketch taking over the mantle. 

              

            On to Spirit of Vengeance:  After the events of the first film, Johnny is distraught over having to bear the curse of being the Devil's bitch, so he runs away to Eastern Europe to be alone so he can whine and cry in peace (after all, he is played by Nic Cage, so there's bound to be some somber emoting at some point).    The very first scene of the movie is a short action set piece that I'm sure the writers and directors would refer to as an homage to the opening of a James Bond movie.  In this scene we are introduced to Moreau, a bad-ass, gun-toting, wine swilling, French, biker, priest (I was so close to being able to type that sentence without laughing.  Also, you know Moreau is French, because he speeeeks wiz zees OUUUTTTRRRAAAGGEOUS French accent.)  Moreau is played by Idris Elba, who is better known as Charles Minor on the American version of The Office, or for the twelve comic geeks that actually saw it, Roque from the movie The Losers (yes, I am one of those twelve geeks). 

Moreau is meeting with some super mysterious and mystical monks, to discuss Danny, a boy that the monks have been guarding.  Danny has some sort of extremely mysterious and mystical powers and because of that he is being sought by an enigmatically mysterious and mystical man named Rourke, who just also happens to be the Devil.  Rourke is played by Ciaran Hinds, who gave a great performance as Julius Caesar in HBO's Rome.

  

Rourke needs Danny in order to complete a strangely mysterious and mystical dark ritual.  Moreau is told by the monks that a deeply mysterious and mystical prophecy states that an immensely mysterious and mystical protector will guard the boy.  Coincidentally, Johnny/Ghost Rider is that protector and Moreau must locate him.  Unfortunately, Rourke had ordered some generic stock bad guys off of the internet and they end up getting delivered right in the middle of the meeting (Mention this blog post during checkout at www.stockgoons.com and get 50% off your first batch of henchmen!!!  Offer not valid for purchases of Mole Men.).  In the ensuing chaos,  Sphinx Boy (because he's terribly mysterious... and mystical!) and his mom grab a car and try to escape, causing the generic baddies to chase after them, thus causing Moreau to hop on his bike and chase after the bad guys.  During the ensuing car chase, we find out that in addition to being a bad-ass, gun-toting, wine swilling, French, biker, priest, Moreau must be some kind of sharpshooter because right after he wrecks his chopper, while he's still in mid-air mind you, hurtling towards certain death, instead of screaming “HELP, HELP, I'M GOING TO DIE!!!!” while simultaneously pissing and shitting himself, he manages to shoot out the tires of the bad guys ride.  Danny and his mom get away, Moreau goes sailing off towards what is certain to be his doom and BAM!  We're hit with the opening credits.  Half-assed James Bondery at it's finest.

            Surprise, surprise, it turns out Moreau doesn't die and he eventually ends up locating Johnny.  In a scene that in no way, absolutely proves that this movie is nothing more than a vanity project for Nic Cage, during Johnny and Moreau's first meeting, 90lb emo teen girl Cage manages to slap around a much larger and far more physically intimidating Elba like Moe and Curly from the 3 Stooges.  As far as the plot of the rest of the movie... there really isn't one.  Moreau gets Johnny to come with him by promising to bring him to someone who can rid him of Ghost Rider's curse and then the movie devolves into a string of action set pieces and by the end of it all, you're actually ready to make your own deal with the Devil just to make it stop.  In I guess what you could call a sub-plot, our intrepid heroes actually spend a great deal of time trying to keep Ghost Rider away from Danny's mom, because she is some sort of Gypsy pick pocket or something and Ghost Rider doesn't care how bad of a criminal you are, he still wants to kill you.  The prophetic, dreadfully mysterious and mystical hero that has been sworn to protect Danny is preoccupied with killing his mom; what a shitty prophecy!  They actually make a point of saying he'd even kill someone for illegally downloading a movie, as if movie pirates worldwide would hear this and actually be scared for their life because they think Ghost Rider is going to nab them selling bootleg DVD's out of the trunk of their car.

  

            So how about the action sequences?  I'm willing to admit that they look good for the most part.  The special effects are good but not great, and there are some really cool looking shots.  The directors, Mark Neveldine and Brain Taylor (best known for bringing us other screen gems as Jonah Hex and the series of Crank movies with Jason Statham) are known for using innovative ideas to capture unique shots.  Several of the motorcycle scenes were filmed while the cameraman was being towed at a high speed while on roller blades.  So while the action scenes look good, looks will only get you so far.  The action scenes in the movie lack any depth or substance, they're just a series of shots of Ghost Rider looking cool, but not really fighting anyone.  In the awkwardly paced first major “fight” scene, Ghost Rider chases down the assemblage of generic thugs as they are closing in on Danny and his mom.  Ghost Rider jumps his hell bike into the middle of the scene and just when you think you're about to see some ass kicking, Ghost Rider hops off the motorcycle and he.....   Ugh......   I swear to Christ, HE DANCES LIKE MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON ON TOP OF A CAR OUTSIDE OF A COURTHOUSE!!!!!  It's not a full out Thriller routine, but he does a quick couple of moves that end up with a Tony Manero-like fist in the air.  If you put a disco ball behind him, it would have looked like the cover of the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack album.  It was at this point that a part of me died and I gave up hope on ever enjoying the rest of the movie.  What the fuck did I just see???  What? Why???  I think I'm starting to miss Ben Affleck as Daredevil.  He does something similar later on, but he ends up crossing his chest with his arms.  I half expected him to turn his head and cough Three Amigos style.

              

            When the “fight” actually starts, Ghost Rider grabs the nearest generic baddie and proceed to hit him with Ghost Rider's signature move: the Penance Stare.  This ability allows Ghost Rider to make his enemies feel all of the pain and suffering that they have caused in their lives all at once and basically reduces them to a soul-less catatonic, husk of a human being.  This sounds WAAYYY cooler than it actually looks because it pretty much just amounts to him staring at this generic thug for a long time.  A really long time.  A really, really long time.  I'm going to look away......Is he still doing it?  He's STILL doing it?!?!  Is he....Is going to kiss him???  He's still doing it.   For some reason, this shot seemed uncomfortably long.  Hell, for all I know, he's still staring at this poor asshole somewhere right now as I'm writing this.  Finally Ghost Rider drops what's left of the thug and instead of fighting any of the rest of the villains, he pulls out his chain, whips it in a circle around his head and all the baddies disintegrate into a cloud of ash and brimstone.  Every “fight” scene in the movie goes this way and it just seems like a cheap way to get around choreographing any fight sequences.  Ghost Rider has mastered the art of fighting without fighting, but in a way that leaves the audience feeling unentertained and a little ripped off.  We're watching the birth of a new genre of film courtesy of the CGI age: The Inaction Movie.

            With stars like Cage, Hinds and Elba, surely the acting has to be good, right?  Not so much.  Nicholas Cage is more Nicholas Cagey than ever.  He's completely aware that he's playing a parody of himself and he just doesn't give a shit about that.  In the scenes where Cage is playing Johnny (Cage also played the CGI model of Ghost Rider ), he comes off strikingly similar to Ben Stiller's character in Mystery Men, Mr. Furious.  He keeps telling people about all the rage and fury that he's holding in.  In a few scenes where Johnny comically tries to surpress the transformation into Ghost Rider, it so reminded me of Mr. Furious rapidly squeezing a stress ball, while muttering “Rage...subsiding...pulse...slowing down...” that I laughed out loud.   The fact that Cage is perma-clad in black leather really seals the deal on that comparison.  As for Hinds, it's not one of his best performances.  Halfway through the “story”, Hinds uses his Devil mojo to transform the head of his generic goon squad, played by Johnny Whitworth (I have no freaking clue what this guy was in before this movie and quite frankly his INCREDIBLY ANNOYING screen presence is justification for me to not expend the energy to look him up on IMDB) into D level Marvel Comics villain Blackout.  Blackout's abilities are being an albino, having vampire fangs but possible not being a vampire, turning off lights and making stuff rot (including this movie).  After the transformation, the Devil is such a bad-ass that he apparently has a stroke, and Hinds spends the rest of the movie talking out of the corner of his mouth and slipping in and out of a Dick Clark impression.  Showing up for an extended cameo, presumably because he had some bills to pay or wanted to earn some cash for a vacation to Hawaii or something, is Christopher Lambert of the Highlander series of movies.  Lambert plays one of the monks (not the original mysterious and mystical monks, a completely separate set of monks, because apparently the monk budget on this movie was sky high) who will help Johnny ditch the Ghost Rider for good.

    

            The movie tries to insert some comedy into the story a few times, but honestly, everything else about this movie is unintentionally funnier than these jokey attempts.  A moment of hilarity ensues when Blackout tries to use his power to make a Twinkie rot.  Another one of the movie's knee slapping gags is a recurring joke about Ghost Rider being able to pee like a blow torch.  Because of that gag, we're treated to not one, but two cut-away scenes of Ghost Rider urinating fire. 

 

            At a few points in the movie, the story breaks away to animated asides which fill in various plot holes and back stories; because as I'm sure you know, all the best film makers have to stop their stories in order to spoon feed vital information to the audience instead of doing that naturally the progression of the story or character development, or bothering to make sure the story made sense in the first place.  This sloppy story telling is the thing that bothered me the most about this movie.  I love watching great action sequences, gunfights, stuff blowing up, and fight scenes; but without something tying all of that together in a sensical manner, no matter how good or polished it may look, it's still going to be a crap movie. 

        

            Being as big a fan of comics and comic book movies as I am, it really pains me to be so negative about this movie.  I really wanted to like it, but that just wasn't going to happen.  In my younger comic geek days (as opposed to the much older, much geekier ones I'm living now), I was a big fan of the grittier, less campy, 90's Ghost Rider.  Dan Ketch was the Ghost Rider I knew, and at that point Johnny Blaze had been relegated to side-kick status (yet still seemed cooler than he ever did as Ghost Rider), but it would have been nice to see Johnny's story done well on the screen.  About three months from now, if you have a dollar to burn at your local RedBox by seeing yet another kooky, over the top performance from Nicholas Cage or if you just want to Mystery Science Theater the living shit out of it and yell stuff at the screen, then pick up Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance  (Sadly I was robbed of the MST3K experience, as despite the fact that I saw it during opening weekend, the theater was completely empty).  Otherwise don't bother.  Unfortunately I don't think I'll ever get to see Dan Ketch tearing through the streets of New York as Ghost Rider because I'm almost certain that this will be the final nail in the coffin of the Ghost Rider film franchise.    

I don't know about you, but I loved Chris' review. I even laughed out loud a few times at his descriptions. I hope the readers of this blog will agree with me on this, I hope Chris continues to write guest reviews! 

Rockem Sockem Robots VS. Leona: The Professionaless

Rockem Sockem Robots VS. Leona: The Professionaless

Tom and I recently watched two newer movies in the same night, both of which really suprised us. The one that we thought we would really like wasn't that good and the one that we weren't expecting anything from we both actually enjoyed.

For our movie marathon night, we watched Real Steel from 2011 starring Hugh Jackman and Evangeline Lilly and Colombiana starring Zoe Saldana also from 2011. (I know, I know, 2 new movies in one night? What is happening to us? I think Tom is hooked on Red Box.) Can you guess which one we enjoyed? I am willing to bet that you will guess wrong.

               

We have both been wanting to see Colombiana for a while. It looked like an entertaining revenge movie staring a girl, which is nice to see, as long as they don't get someone like Tara Reid to play the part. (Find out how we really feel about Reid and other actresses here in our review of StarThor.) Zoe Saldana was the only name that I recognized during the credits. Her acting seems genuine and she can really hold her own in an action flick. (I also liked her in Star Trek and Avatar.) You should know by now how much Tom and I enjoy action movies, so we both expected to really like this one. We were so wrong! I know that our good friend Chris would disagree with this opinion, since Colombiana has boobs, blood and action (isn't that what makes a good movie?), but it really wan't enough to carry the movie due to the story being recycled. The further we got into the film, the more we realized that Colombiana is really Leon: The Professional with a girl instead of Jean Reno. With that being said, the story itself is pretty entertaining, as long as you haven't seen Leon (which is awesone by the way. If you haven't seen it, please do).



Although Leon and Colombiana have different directors (Luc Besson and Oliver Megaton, repesctively), they were both written by Luc Besson, whose movies we usually enjoy. He has a distinct style that is apparent in all of him films which is very recognisable, but this time style wasn't enough to hide his unoriginality. There were scenes and converations in Colombiana that were very close to being exact copies of scenes and conversations from Leon. I guess that if someone is going to remake Leon, it was for the best that Besson did it himself, weather it was intentional or not.

The best way I can find to describe Colombiana is with this scenerao: Leon (Jean Reno) makes Mathilda (Natalie Portman) go to school when she is young instead of training her to avenge her father's death while she is still a child. As she gets older, he does train her to be an assassian so that when she does grow into Saldana, she can get her revenge as an adult rather then as a little girl. So I guess it isn't exactly a remake, more of a continuation of Leon if it had an alternate ending. Either way, we were very disappointed in Colombiana and can't wait to rewatch Leon: The Professional.

The other movie that we watched the same night as Colombiana was Real Steel, which neither of us had any expectations from but we both kinda enjoyed. (Isn't it funny how that happens?) Now, before you get all sorts of riled up about us liking Rockem Sockem Robots: The Movie, let me tell you why.

   

First of all, I like Hugh Jackman. But regardless of wether I like him or not, the emotional growth made by his character, Charlie Kenton really draws you into the story. His character changes from a slimy dead beat to a caring father that makes you root for him in the end (which I will not give away, but it did make me cry a little). Real Steel also stars Evangeline Lilly, or Kate from Lost, who plays Jackman's love interest. She knows all about rebuilding robots does a really good job of not letting her Canadian accent slip out during the movie.

 

Real Steel really is just Rockem Sockem Robots set to a story that is very similar to Over the Top (starring my all time favorite, Mr. Sylvester Stallone), only a little less heart warming due to the lack of a theme by Kenny Loggins.



Jackman's character is a washed up/has been boxer, who was trained by Kate's father, and gave up all legal rights to his son when he was born. Now, since boxing is obsolete (in the future where this is set) fighters control giant robots that get in the ring and do the fighting for the men. This way no one gets hurt. So, this is now what Hugh does for a living, but he does it very poorly and loses many fights and is absolutely broke.

Early on in the movie, Hugh's ex dies and he makes an arrangement with her sister that he will get his 12 year old son for the summer; but then he has to turn the boy back over to his Aunt after three months. Come to find out, the son is a really big robot boxing fan and wants to tag along with his Dad. They end up bonding over this older model robot that they find at the dump, which looks a lot like the Iron Giant. (I love The Iron Giant, it makes me cry everytime I watch it)

       

On the top is Atom, who shows Hugh Jackman how to love his son. This movie is very heavy on the emotional aspect of the story. It really could have been told without the robots turning it into a boxing movie. Like I said before, I won't give away the ending, but I will tell you that it has one of two possible sports movie endings. He will either win or he will lose. You will have to watch it to find out. The thing about sports movies is that you usually feel good about the outcome which ever way it goes.

So in conclusion, don't bother seeing Colombiana, you are much better off seeing Leon: The Professional. It is the better of these two almost identical Luc Besson films. If it was Zoe Saldana you were watching it for, you should see her in Star Trek instead. Real Steal, on the other hand, was surprisingly enjoyable and you really should give it a chance. After all, it does have a dancing robot. Also, add to Over the Top to your list of movies to watch. It's Stallone as a arm wrestling trucker, how can you possibly go wrong?

Speaking of Kenny Loggins, I will leave you with this final clip:

P.S. Did anyone other then Tom get the Falling Down reference? If you didn't, add that one to your "movies to watch" list too. 

 

This Movie Sucks, Literally

This Movie Sucks, Literally

Believe it or not, Tom and I recently watched another movie that was released after 1995! I know, I know, this is so out of character for us, but we have a really good reason for seeing this one. Fright Night, starring Anton Yelchin and Colin Ferrell was released in 2011 but it is a remake (isn’t everything these days?) of the awesome horror movie of the same name from 1985. Now, I do have a soft spot for the original, since the next door neighbor/vampire is none other than Prince Humperdinck from one of my all-time favorites, The Princes Bride; and the Vampire expert is played by the great Roddy McDowall. How could you possibly top that in a remake?  Because we are such big fans of the original, Tom and I were very skeptical of seeing a remake starring Colin Ferrell but were willing to give it a chance.  

Here is Chris Sarandon in Fright Night and in The Princess Bride. 

 

The 1985 Fright Night was everything a good 80’s horror movie should be. It’s cheesy/funny/scary/bloody/silly with a story that sucks you in all at the same time. The story of both the 1985 and 2011 versions revolve around a kid who thinks that a vampire has moved in next door. He proceeds to investigate this neighbor situation with the help of TV Vampire expert Peter Vincent (Roddy McDowall) who turns out to be a joke in the preternatural field, but only in the 1985 version. In the 2011 version, Peter Vincent is played by David Tennant and he is a rich successful Las Vegas act who has tons of half-naked hot women hanging all over him.

 

Can you believe that those two are playing the same character?

In both movies, there is this really great but annoying best friend character, Evil Ed. In 1985, he is played by this weird looking guy Stephen Geoffreys who in real life grew up to be a porn star. The 2011 version is played by McLovin.

The character is a little different in each movie. They sort of swap the roles of the main guy and the best friend around for the remake. In 1985 the main character has to convince his best friend that the neighbor is a vampire and in 2011 Evil Ed is the one doing the convincing.

The vampire character is very different as well. As I said earlier, in 1985 the vampire, Jerry (isn’t it awesome that the vampire’s name is Jerry?), is played by Chris Sarandon who is also Prince Humperdinck. (I love The Princess Bride so much that at our wedding ceremony we played the movie’s main theme for the Bridesmaids procession and I named my turtle after Princess Buttercup.) Humperdinck does have a surprise cameo in the remake, which we were both very excited to see. He gets brutally killed by Colin Farrell, the 2011 version of Jerry the vampire.

Going into the remake, I was very skeptical about Colin Farrell playing Jerry. Tom even said to me during the opening credits, “Let’s see how long it takes before his accent slips out.” But to our surprise, Farrell really nailed the role. He was brutal, violent and scary while being charming and sexy at the same time. He is exactly what you would think a vampire should be. That is, of course, as long as you aren’t on that ridiculous Twilight band wagon.

Just a little side note… I love vampire stories. I mean good vampire stories. I own and have read numerous times the Anne Rice Vampire Chronicles Series and the Laurell K. Hamilton Anita Blake Vampire Hunter series which are both pheeeenooooomenal. I tried to read Twilight and wanted to throw the book out the window then run over it with my car, back up and run over it again. I forced my way through the first 2 books and found that they were not only poorly written (my English teacher sister wanted to take a red pen to them) but incredibly boring and anti-climactic. If you want to read a good vampire novel just let me know and you can borrow any of mine by Rice or Hamilton. I promise you will not be disappointed.

Anyway, I definitely would recommend both the old and new versions of Fright Night. When remaking this movie, they stayed true to the original by mixing humor with blood and scares. You should really try to fit this one into your busy schedule. After-all, even Prince Humperdinck made time for a cameo, and he's swamped.

On behalf of the McWatters Movie Blog, we officially give Fright Night two fangs up and The Humperdinck Seal of Approval.

Speed 2: Cruise Control, Everything but Keanu Reeves, The Romantic Comedy

Speed 2: Cruise Control, Everything but Keanu Reeves, The Romantic Comedy

I finally saw Speed 2: Cruise Control. I have been avoiding/boycotting/pretending this movie doesn't exist for fifteen years. I was doing a really good job of this too, until today when Tom decided he was going to help me with my New Year's resolution of writing in this blog more frequently then once every two months. He thought this awful movie would spark some creativity and right from the first scene I was hooked. It is so bad that I couldn't turn away and had no choice but to take a few notes. Tom knows me so well that he knew I would get sucked into comparing this sequel to its original which happens to be one of my favorite movies. Yes, I admit it, Speed is one of my all time favorites. I can quote the entire movie from beginning to end. Many of you may make fun of me for this, but I can't help it. I remember when I saw Speed for the first time. My Mom had seen in on HBO and thought I would like it. This was on during one of the rare months that we had HBO when I was a kid. I was in the seventh grade and fell instantly in love with the hunky lead who just happened to be the dorky doofus from Bill and Ted.

     

       

I remember watching it with my Mom and a girl that I used to be friends with, and we all agreed that Keanu Reeves was very easy to look at for two hours. I have gone off on a bit of a tangent here, and it is only because I don't know if many people really know about my my infatuation with Keanu and this movie. With that being said, I think that you can now understand why I have been avoiding Speed 2: Cruise Control for the last fifteen years.(Although, I don't know why anyone wouldn't want to avoid it.) How could they possibly make a Speed sequel without Keanu? Sandra Bullock's character was only the love interest and really has no business being the character that the sequel is about. Never the less, they made the movie without my childhood heart throb, and on this lazy Sunday afternoon, Tom broke my boycott. 

Speed 2: Cruise Control opens with a chase scene featuring our new hero Jason Patric on a motorcycle in hot pursuit of a run away truck. We don't know why this is happening, who is driving the truck or why they are running from Patric, or as I like to call him, Not Keanu (he is also the older brother from the lost boys).

While this action packed opening scene is going on, Annie (Sandra Bullock's character from Speed) is taking her road test. In Speed when the bus driver gets shot she gets behind the wheel and confesses to Keanu that she had her licence revoked for speeding. Apparently this is how they are connecting the two movies and she is now trying to get her licence back. These two opening driving scenes collide when Not Keanu's car chase ends with the truck crashing into something and then out of nowhere Annie recklessly drives into the scene and crashes her car into the cones surrounding the truck. The driving instructor is all upset and Annie is trying to blame her recklessness on the car chase, and then just by chance, she sees her new boyfriend who is Not Keanu. She gets really angry with him because even though they are dating, and she knows that he is a cop, she didn't realize that he had a dangerous job. (Really?) She says things to him like "Don't you remember that I told you how Jack (Keanu) was a action star maniac?" and  "I told you that I wouldn't date someone like that again." I guess this is their way of filling us in on why Keanu isn't in the sequel. This lovers quarrel finally ends when Not Keanu tells Annie that he is taking her on a Caribbean cruise, and somehow everything is now OK between them. This action movie sequel is quickly turning into a romantic comedy.

  

They arrive on the cruise ship, with Annie being sassy as usual. They give Sandra Bullock all the witty one liners in this movie. When they are being shown to into their cabin, we get a glimpse of their neighbor for the duration of the cruise, who happens to be none other then Willem Defoe with a glorious mane of hair.

We see Annie & Not Keanu go into their cabin and then the movie cuts to Willem Defoe in his cabin next door, where for some unknown reason, he keeps mason jars full of leaches... and he talks to them. I guess they are setting him up to be the crazy bad guy. Why else would he sweet talk a bunch of Jarred leaches? Anyway, Annie and Not Keanu think that he is a pro golfer, not a leach hoarder, because he carries his golf clubs around with him, even when he is laying by the pool. While he is getting some sun pool side, Not Keanu catches him staring at Annie. Of course Not Keanu gets all angry and starts giving her a hard time about it, this is a romantic comedy about their relationship after all. Once the delightful bickering scene is over, the movie cuts back to Willem's cabin. Somehow he has been transported from his lounge chair by the pool back to his cabin so he can do some sneaky things. He starts to take apart his golf clubs and sets a bunch of timers. (We are supposed to assume that he is making bombs, because he is the crazy bad guy.) Then, he pulls up the ships blueprints on his laptop. He used to be a computer programmer and he designed the ships auto pilot system, but we don't find this out until later in the movie.
This movie really has a hard time explaining why things are happening, and Sandra Bullock is such a mumbler that I can hardly hear her stupid witty remarks. I am guessing that she is supposed to be the comedy relief but her jokes are falling short (when you can hear what she is saying). She is really not funny.
Back on the cruise ship, Annie and Not Keanu are now having dinner and UB40 is the entertainment. Can you imagine spending all that money on a tropical cruise vacation and having to listen to UB40 every night during dinner? I would be very upset. You do remember UB40, right? They are that awful 80's British reggae/pop band with lead singer David Caruso. Just in case you need a reminder, here is David singing one of their hits prior to his role on NYPD Blue:

Although I as a huge fan of his music career, I feel that Caruso's talent is best showcased by his role as Horatio Caine on CSI: Miami.

You may or may not know this, but Tom and I are super obsessed with David Caruso's ability to dramatically take off his glasses when he has something important to say. Just in case you don't know what I am talking about, here is a little taste:

I am getting really distracted from this terrible movie. Sorry about that. Now back to business.

We were up to the part where Annie and Not Keanu are having dinner and listening to UB40. They are involved in a very dramatic discussion about their relationship (romantic comedy, remember) and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small box. (He is so about propose during a UB40 set! Real smooth.) he looks at her all romantically and asks her if he can "...order a la carte tonight" and she replies with "what if I'm not on the menu?" Give me a break. Is this really how he is going to pop the question? Well, apparently not because they don't get engaged. This movie really doesn't explain anything that happens! I could write a better screenplay then this. (Of course, it probably would involve a shirtless Keanu, but I would be sure to explain why his shirt was off and how he became topless.) I guess Not Keanu never actually got around to asking Annie to marry him, because the next scene shows him drunk and throwing up back in their cabin, or maybe it was just the UB40 that made him nauseous. Oh, and just so you can have a glimpse of what is going on inside my head right now, for your viewing pleasure, I present to you, shirtless Keanu:

Ok, let's get back on track shall we? After we have the privilege of seeing Not Keanu throw up all over their cabin, the movie graciously cuts away to a sneaking Willem Defoe. He is all dressed up for the prom and is tip toeing around the underbelly of the cruise ship with his magical exploding golf clubs (of course he is, how else would he make it so the ship can't go below 50 miles per hour?). When he is finished planting his bombs, Willem pretends to be drunk and stumbles into the main deck where the captain is directing the ship. He pretends to fall and catches himself on the desk where he plants a bug. He was really smooth, the stupid captain and first mate (who happens to be Jango Fett) have no idea what has just happened. Willem heads back to his cabin to take his clothes off, listen to opera and put his pet leaches all over his neck and chest. This bad guy is a real weirdo.

When Willem is finished playing with his pet leaches he gets dressed, putting on a Captain's uniform, then heads out for a moonlit stroll on the deck of the ship. While on his walk, he bumps into the real ship captain and pushes him overboard. He then bumps into some older drunken women who now think he is the Captain because of the costume. He flirts with them and takes pictures with them. Apparently it is really easy get rid of a cruise ship's Captain and take his place. Good to know.

After his encounter with the drunk ladies, Willem decides that it is about time to get the plot of the movie going and somehow the ship's computers all stop working. A lot of things start beeping and the ship starts shaking; but only in the control room. I guess the bombs that Willem placed throughout the ship only affected one room of the ship, huh. So anyway, he calls the ships first mate, who as I said before, is Jango Fett (so I guess that also makes him Boba Fett since he is a clone. I think I wall call him Boba from now on), and tells him to start evacuating because he is going to blow up the ship.

Meanwhile Annie and Not Keanu are on the dance floor. He is wearing a tux and Chucks (of course he is). Oh boy, this really is a romantic comedy.



They keep cutting between the chaos of the control room and the calm/romantic slow dancing where absolutely nothing is shaking. They really have not idea that the ship is full of bombs that are going off. Wow. Annie and Not Keanu are so oblivious and again start a deep conversation about their relationship. I think he is going to propose again, but just before he can, the dance floor starts to shake. Finally!! Maybe he will try again if they survive. I am betting that is how the movie will end, unless one of the chandeliers that are falling from the ceiling lands on them, but I don't think we will be that lucky.

Before a chandelier can fall and crush them, Annie and Not Keanu follow everyone else to the lifeboat.
This is the point in the movie where the writers decided that it would be a good idea to have a random side story to up the suspense. A deaf girl gets separated from her family and can't hear the emergency evacuation announcements.  (I guess this is because Speed started off suspenseful and got increasingly suspenseful as the movie went on and this awful sequel hasn't had one suspenseful scene yet.) She gets into an elevator and it surprisingly gets stuck. (An elevator? Really?) If you haven't seen the first movie let me tell you why this is ridiculous. Speed opens with a bomb on an elevator and if the police don't comply with the bomber's demands he will blow the emergency brakes and send the elevator and its passengers plummeting to their deaths. Keanu and his partner, Jeff Daniels, have to risk their lives to save them in a very dramatic, suspenseful and heroic way.

Back at the lifeboat, Not Keanu smells danger with his cop nose and tells Annie to wait there for him while he runs off the prove that he is smarter then the ships crew. He runs into the control room & wants to know if they actually confirmed the fires that started during the explosions. Boba is baffled that they didn't think to check that out but still does nothing. Not Keanu is forced to take care of things himself and runs off to verify the fires.
While all this is happening, Willem Defoe finds a finds a briefcase full of diamonds. I want a briefcase full of diamonds.
Not Keanu gets back to the life boat and finds out that the little deaf girl is missing. He tells Boba that the fires aren't real, just sulfur smoke. It is a really good thing that he was vacationing on this ship, the crew is really incompetent, but this is not important. What is important is that Not Keanu is back when the life boat starts to fall. (Of course it is going to fall) According to Not Keanu, who knows everything, the cable holding the life boat will never hold so they have no choice but to get the people out of there and he climbs down to be the hero, again. Once again this is the opening elevator scene from Speed, only not as good. In Speed, Keanu and Jeff Daniels rig up this big cable so when the bomb does blow the emergency breaks, the cable will hold up the elevator and give them more time to rescue the hostages. Once this happens, they frantically discover that the cable is no going to hold and have to speed up the rescue. It is the exact same scene, just change the elevator to a life boat. (Oh, and just so you get the full picture, dramatic music plays every time Not Keanu does something heroic and the music is like a cheap knock off the the Braveheart & Conan the Barbarian themes. Can they get anymore unoriginal?)
After Not Keanu rescues the people on the life boat, which never falls by the way (It is actually still dangling off the side of the ship at the end of the movie, so Maybe Not Keanu isn't really as smart as he wants us all to think.), he discovers that there is nothing they can do to override Willem's auto pilot so he decides to trick the program. He announces to Boba (because he is in charge now) "I'm gonna slow it down." COME ON!!! Really?? Ok, so the last thing that happens in Speed, after they escape the bus, is they end up trapped on an out of control subway train and the tracks up ahead aren't finished. Keanu realizes this and discovers that the emergency breaks are broken and they can't stop the train. His only option is to jump the track by increasing their speed. It is at this point in the movie where he says "I'm gonna speed it up." Once Not Keanu is done quoting lines from the first movie, he sees the little deaf girl on a surveillance camera and goes to rescue her. He has to hurry because they are about to flood the floor she is on. Apparently he know sign language so he can communicate with her. They are unable to escape the flooding waters and still get swept away, but somehow they escape, because Not Keanu is a magical superhero.

 Meanwhile, while Not Keanu is ruining one of my favorite movies, Annie is trying to help the people that are trapped in some room on the ship. This movie stays really true to form because we don't know where these people are stuck or why this happened. All we know is that they are trapped while smoke fills the room. The solution to this problem is really a great one. Annie finds a chain saw, on a cruise ship, and... you guessed it... she cuts the door down with said chain saw. They are trying really hard to make this into a comedy. After the hilarious chain saw scene, Annie and Not Keanu bump into each other and go after Willem. When they catch up with him they have a dramatic standoff that ends with Willem getting away and the chase recommencing. Does this sound familiar to you? It is the exact same scene that happens TWICE in Speed.  The first time this happens is early on in the movie. Right after the elevator falls, Keanu and Daniels figure out that the bomber, Howard Payne (Dennis Hopper), is in a freight elevator so they climb on top of it ("Will our mystery guest please sign in?") Payne hears them and shoots at them through the ceiling of the elevator. Daniels gets shot & falls inside with Payne and there is a stand off between Keanu and the mad bomber. ("Pop quiz hot shot... What do you do?") The second time this happens is towards the end after Payne gets the ransom money but before they end up on the subway train. Payne has tricked Annie into coming with him by pretending to be a cop (and Willem Defoe was pretending to be a captain earlier) so of course, the helpless girl gets kidnapped. Keanu finds her with a bomb strapped to her chest so there is an dramatic stand off between him and Payne again, this time over Annie.

Anyway, back to the sequel. Everyone is ok and all happy on the top deck but Boba still doesn't have control of the ship, Willem still has control and he is heading directly towards an oil tanker. There is no way the tanker can possibly get out of the way in time and their rudder is not working! Oh no! Annie suggests that they throw a wrench into the propeller because that is what she does to her car when it breaks and it works every time. So, for some reason, they think this is a good idea and Not Keanu attempts to save the day again and not get sucked into the propeller. The next scene is again an exact duplicate of a scene from Speed. Do you remember the part when Keanu gets off the bus and while supported by a cable, slides under the moving bus to try to dismantle the bomb? Not Keanu does the exact same thing. He puts on a harness attached to a cable and jumps into the water. With the exception of the boat and the ocean, it is the exact same scene. Oh, and every time there is a scene just like one from the first movie, they play this weird remix version of the Speed theme music. I don't like it.

Once Not Keanu saves the day again, Annie gets abducted by Willem at gun point. (Because this movie will never end) He grabs her and gets on this jet ski thing that looks like a speed boat but is really two jet skis connected together. Once they are off the cruise ship we cut back to Not Keanu and Boba who discover that they are still on a collision course with the oil tanker. They jump into the water and manually turn the propeller to steer themselves away from the tanker. (This movie is trying really hard to keep you on the edge of your seat but is failing miserably.) There is this dramatic close call where they narrowly miss the tanker, but just as they are all breathing a sigh of relief, they realize that they are about to crash into the set of Catalina Caper. (If you are not familiar with this MST3K classic, it is a film from the 60's about a bunch of rich kids on vacation in Catalina while an art thief is on the loose. The entire movie looks like the picture below.)



The cruise ship can't slow down (of course) and so it crashes into sail boats, fishermen and eventually comes ashore when is crashes through the pier. When the ship eventually stops, the very tip of the ship gently touches a church bell, just like in the end of Speed when the subway train stops by gently bumping a tour bus.

At this point you may be asking yourself what happened to Willem Defoe and Annie? They somehow get off the jet skis and onto a sea plane. But wait, do you remember this guy from the first movie?

This is Glenn Plummber, and he plays the guy who owns the Jaguar that Keanu hijacks to catch up with the bus. I guess after that happened, he bought a condo in the Caribbean and is coincidentally there during all this chaos. He has a boat now and helps Not Keanu catch up with Willem and rescue Annie in a very Timothy Dalton, 007 sort of way (You know, with a harpoon attached to the plane. You've seen License to Kill, right?) Anyway, after Annie is rescued, Willem gets sun in his eyes and crashes the plane into the needle that is on the top of the oil tanker. He survives this and starts to laugh like a mad man! But wait, it gets better. Then from out of nowhere, the plane and the entire oil tanker blow up. For no reason! How does that happen? This is such an unbelievable/stupid way to take out the bad guy! Then, just as I predicted, Not Keanu decides that after all this, he is going to give Annie the engagement ring, and the credits roll. I so called that!

Oh wow. That was awful.

And just when I thought it was over, there are extra scenes during the credits. Why can't this movie just end already???

During the credits, Annie is once again taking her road test with the same guy from the beginning of the movie. She floors it and almost hits a bus. This is how the movie ends. It is about time.

Looking back on it, I am really glad that I never saw this movie until now. I don't regret waiting 15 years to watch it. Just as I thought, it is a terrible movie that never should have been made, especially without Keanu Reeves. The film makers should have gotten the hint when Keanu turned the roll down. Sandra Bullock's attempt at comedy falls flat with every joke. It was as if they wrote out all the scenes from Speed on index cards, shuffled them, put them in random order and changed the bus to a boat. There is no originality to it. Every scene, and even the score seemed to be ripped off from something else. I do not recommend that any of you see this movie. Just by reading my synopsis, you will know everything that you will ever need to know about Speed 2: Cruise Control.  It is so bad that I can't even justify rating this movie from 1 to 10, it is just not worth it. Instead of seeing this terrible sequel, you should watch the first one, you can borrow one of my copies.

StarThor, Why is he from outerspace all of a sudden?

THOR

(or should I say Star-Thor?)

Tom and I recently watched Thor  from 2011 (wow, a new release for once!) starring star-thoring Chris Hemsworth (Tony...heh, heh, Tony, pretty boy, Tony...), Natalie Portman, and Anthoy Hopkins, and directed by Kenneth Branagh (who?). The cast was ok, no really horrible acting in this one, but it was strangely put together. There are 2 completely different movies going on at the same time that are both different in the type of story and in the style. One story is actually entertaining while the other is super goofy. With these 2 separate stories going on at once, we were left wondering if Branagh was attempting to make The Godfather part II of superhero movies.

Thor starts out alright, and on Earth, with a story about scientists working on some research project. Natalie Portman plays an astrophysicist (Really? I mean, she is a good actress and all, but an astrophysicist? I'm not buying it. She is way too young to have a doctorate or the type of credentials that an anstrophysicist with a government research grant would have.) whose path crosses with Thor when she hits him with her car. I don't know if you are aware of this or not, but Tom and I have this running discussion about pretty girls in movies. A trend that we have noticed, and discussed a great length, is that when they put a pretty girl in a role where she is playing an intelligent character, they always have her wear glasses. (and be have been having this discussion long before Larry tells Leon to wear glasses to get more respect on Curb) Why does she have to wear glasses to be/look smart? Do they think that the stupid masses will buy it if they have a dumb girl with glasses play a scientist? This, by the way, has nothing to do with Natalie Portman. We were pleasantly suprised to see that they did not put her in glasses to make her more believable as an astrophysicist, apparently she is a good enough actress to carry the role on her own, but we have seen many movies where they try to pull this off. My favorite example of this (and by favorite, I mean the most ridiculous) is in the movie Alone in the Dark where Tara Reid plays a genius anthropologist. Yes, you read that right, Tara Reid as not just an anthropologist, but a genius anthropologist. In an attempt to make Reid look the part, they pulled her hair back into a bun and put glasses on her. Yeah, that makes it believable. Dosn't she look smart?

So anyway, Natalie Portman, the astrophysicist with 20/20 vision, hits Thor with her car and gets out to see if he is alive. While He is laying in the road, the camera zooms in on his face and we are suddenly transported to movie #2 that takes place not in the rhelm of the gods, but on another planet. Aparently in this version, Thor is an alien not a god. I have a big problem with this. I am really trying not to get all "Miss know it all" on you, but I do have a little knowledge on the subject considering that Classical History & Archaeology was my minor in college and therefore I have spend a lot of time studying mythology. I mean, my  fat cat's name is Loki for alien's god's sake (who is also a character in Thor) so I think it is safe to say that I know the basics of Norse Mythology. How can they just make the Nordic Gods from outerspace? Do they think that they can get away with it because Norse isn't as commonly known as Greek or Roman theology? Wouldn't it have been strange if the remake of Clash of the Titans took place in space? I just don't get it. I know that this is a superhero/comicbook movie and I should just settle down about it, but this was my big issue with Thor (or should I say Star-Thor?) right from the get go. Oh, and if you were wondering how fat my cat Loki really is, here ya go:

Isn't she huge?

Once we are transported to Thor's home planet, we get to meet his family and his gang of followers. His father is Hannibal Lecter, who is the king of the rhelm/planet/deathstar or wherever they are supposed to be, and his brother is Loki, the alien trouble maker, not my fat cat or the god of mischief. They all live on what looks to be either the Deathstar or some place within the world of Tron, but since Thor never runs into The Dude, it must be the Deathstar not Tron. Now that we have established that Thor is from the Deathstar, it still seems a little hard to imagine it being run by Dr. Lecter rather than Darth Vader, but Thor helps us to easily envision this. On the Deathstar, Dr. Lecter, Thor and Loki  wear some interesting armored costumes too. They all have large silver disks all over their chests. Tom and I have a theory that the amount of disks you wear denotes your importance. Since Hannibal Lector is the king, he wears many more disks then everyone else. It is an interesting way to show their Deathstar class system. Thor and Loki wear less disks then their father, and Thor's gang wears none at all. Speaking of Thor's gang, it consists of a very unlikely group of characters. It features Roman Warrior Titus Pullo (from HBO's Rome) with a mop glued to his face, Xena Warrior Princess, Cary Elwes' little brother Lynn, and that guy from Tekken.  

If this picture dosen't help you with my little comparison, here are some more pictures for you to compare to the above image of Thor's gang:

 

Can you see the similarities?

On the Deathstar that is run by Hannibal Lecter, there is a battle going on between Dr. Lecter's followers (mainly Loki, Thor and his gang) and the Frost Giants. (Yes, the bad guys are called the Frost Giants. They couldn't even come up with a cool name to call them. Frost Giants? Really?) The Frost Giants sneek onto the Deathstar and steal Dr. Lecter's giant glowing blue raspberry jolly rancher and stash it at Superman's Father's place on Krypton. Thor, Loki and the gang decide that they are going to get the jolly rancher back but this makes the Frost Giants angry and untimately starts a war between the two groups. To get to the place where the Frost Giants live, they all have to travel through this machine that looks a lot like the roter from the Great Escape in Lake George. You remember the Roter, right? It spins around really fast, you stick to the wall, the floor drops out from underneath you and then you throw up all over yourself. We have all been on it at least once.

The Rotor that they keep on the Deathstar is guarded by that guy who played Charles Miner on The Office. (You remember him, right? He is the guy who is in charge when Michael is running the Michael Scott Paper Company who really hates Jim.) He is called "the Gatekeeper" in this movie, and stands at the entrance of The Roter (possibly awaiting the arrival of the Keymaster).

It seems like every other scene in Thor's movie #2 is a CGI action sequence. There is so much CGI that I felt like i was watching a cartoon. The 3D effects are so gimicky too, every other scene features a shot of Thor's hammer flying at the camera. It got old really quickly.

Once Thor is finally banished to Earth by Dr. Lecter for starting a war with the Frost Giants over the glowing jolly rancher, the movie gets a lot better. We are finally back to movie #1 taking place back on Earth.

Astrophysicist Natalie Portman hits Thor with her car and either because she thinks he is cute or she feels bad for almost killing him, she takes him with her. This is where the movie starts getting a lot more enjoyable. We have the privilege of seeing the unoriginal and overused theme of "the fish out of water" but it is still fun to watch. Thor has encounters with diner waitresses and a bunch of rednecks that make him realize that now that he is on Earth, he is powerless. There is a really great Sword in the Stone scene where a bunch of tough guy men, including Thor, attempt to pull the hammer out of the crater that it created when it fell to Earth. It really drives home for Thor the fact that he is now a weak Earthling. The movie goes on for a while like this. Thor is weak but trying to regain his powers and can't figure out why his father would punish him in this way.

I don't want to spoil the entire ending for you, so I wont give you the movies specifics, but just like in mythology, Thor does a selfless act that makes him once again worthy to wield his powerful weapon and is able to finally pull the hammer from the ground and save the day. There is a really great scene after he regains his power in which Thor cockily (did I just make that word up? it was in my spell check dictionary) strolls towards the big bad monster for the final showdown. Tom couldn't help but compare this scene to the awesomely bad but still great movie Stone Cold starring Brian Bosworth. Thor certainly had the Bosworth strut down perfectly. The only thing that he was missing the the famous "skunk mullet". Just in case you have never seen Stone Cold (and why would you have? Tom and Brian Bosworth's mother are the only ones that actually own a copy of this movie) here is a great clip from it.

Now I know what you are thinking. How could I possibly include a supermarket scene from a movie that isn't Cobra? We all know that Cobra's supermarket scene is by far the best movie supermarket scene in film history. So, just because I can't help myself, here is a montage from the best movie ever made, Cobra. 

And this, by the way, has absolutely nothing to do with Thor.

So anyway, let's get back to why we are here. Thor ends the same way that all comic book/superhero movies end, with an over the top (I am trying really hard to not include a clip from another Stallone movie here) CGI action sequence where the hero has a show down with the big monster. 

All in all, it was an entertaining movie for what it was. It was pure fluff, a popcorn movie, and yet it was embarrassingly fun to watch; even though they made Thor from outer space. While we did enjoy watching this movie, it left us wondering one very probing question. What the hell happened to the giant, glowing, blue raspberry jolly rancher?

We officially rate Thor a 5 out of 10.

Body Snatchers/How many times can I write the word snatch in this review?

Body Snatchers

 Our 12 year old brains are just loving this one!

**SPOILER ALERT** SPOILER ALERT** SPOILER ALERT** SPOILER ALERT** 

We recently watched the 1993 Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake called just Body Snatchers (which gives me an excuse to see how many times I can write the word snatch in 1 post) directed by Abel Ferrera (I don't know who he is either). And just to forewarn you, I will be ruining the ending of this movie. The ending is just too bizarre/surprising/awful for me not to discuss. We try really hard to not ruin the end of movies for you (unlike that guy at Blockbuster who ruined Beneath the Planet of the Apes for me. How can you work at a video rental store and tell the customer the ending of the movie they are renting? What was wrong with that guy?) but in this case, it is unavoidable. So, I am officially warning you, this is your "spoiler alert", but I really don't think that I am ruining anything major. This isn't exactly an award winning movie. That being out of the way, on with the show....

This horror masterpiece (yeah right) started out a little strange for me. We were watching the opening credits, and the movie title came onto the screen, in normal beginning of the movie fashion. But this time it was printed a little odd. The movie title Body Snatchers appears, the letters are in all caps and it seems like the "C" in "Snatchers" is snatching the "H". What is that all about?

It it the only letter like that in the entire credits and I really don't get what the point of it is. It made me ask Tom, "What is with the little H?" His thought was that they wanted us to think of Cher's Oscar winning snatch throughout the movie (do you see it?). I think that is a good possibility. I know that is what we were both fixated on during the opening. Tom couldn't get the If I Could Turn Back Time video out of his head, and just in case you have forgotten it (although I don't know how you could) here is a snatchy reminder:

 

Anyway, enough about H snatching and Cher's scantily clad snatch. (Have I said snatch enough times for you yet? I hope your minds are as juvenile as mine because I am going to beat that joke to death and giggle each time I type it.) 

Body Snatchers focuses on a family of 4 that spend their summer vacation near a military base. The Father is some kind of scientist and is doing research there. Oh, and he is played by the poor man's Nicholas Cage, Terry Kenney (although since he has gone bald gracefully, maybe Nicholas Cage really is the poor man's Terry Kenney. Kenney looks so much like Nicholas Cage in Body Snatchers, between the thinning shaggy hair and the skinny metal framed glasses and he is a lot less over the top then Cage.) If Nicholas Cage really was in Snatchers it would have been a very different movie. I wonder if they offered the role to Cage and he turned it down?

The Mom is played by Jennifer Tilly's less annoying sister (she is the mom of the little boy and the step mom of the teenage girl which creates some slightly irritating tension within the family). You may not know this, but Sister Tilly is also the girl from Psycho 2 who tries to trick Norman Bates into thinking that he has lost his mind, again. (Just a little side note, if you haven't seen any of the Psycho sequels you really should. They are actually very entertaining and surprisingly good horror flicks, even considering that the original is such a classic. So snatch yourself a copy and check them out. They really are worth your time.) The 2 kids in the family are, as I briefly mentioned before, a typically angry teenage daughter who tries to shut out the world by putting on her Walkman and a little brother who from here on out will only be known as "the kid who may or may not be Haley Joel Osment" who is put into daycare once they get to their military base vacation (Who goes on a trip with the kids and puts the youngest in day care? Isn't the point of a family vacation to spend quality time together?). 

In case you are wondering how much this kid really looks like Haley Joel Osment, here is a comparison:

  

Don't they look snatchingly similar? (I had to sneak that snatch in, it has been a while, although the juxtaposition of those dirty words and the little boys' faces does kinda creep me out a little. They shouldn't be anywhere near each other. Sorry about that.)

So anyway (jeez, I like to ramble, don't I?), the kid who may or may be Haley Joel Osment is sent to daycare on their family vacation, and while in daycare, the kids enjoy some finger painting. When all the kids are done, they hold up their pictures for the teacher to see. The camera pans around the room showing that all the kids made the same red and black tentacle finger paintings.  The kid who may or may not be Haley Joel Osment notices that his is the only painting that's different. (I thought that his was a lot scarier then the others, with its black hole center and radiating red streaks. It was real scary.) This is when the audience, and Haley Joel realize that all of the children have been body snatched! Haley Joel then runs out of the school and into the rescuing arms of our hero who brings him home safely (and oh boy, what a hero he is). This beefy, brave army guy, who I will be referring to as "Joe Handsome" hangs around long enough to become the sister's boyfriend (of course he does). His acting is so bad, it's no wonder why you haven't seen him in anything else (to our surprise, he was also in in The Lost Boys. Who would have thought? He really is terrible though. He even managed to slip in a "how you doin?" I wasn't kidding about his awful acting.). I was made a little uneasy by watching Joe Handsome make out with the much younger 16 year old girl. He's got to be pushing 30. Does anyone else see anything wrong with that? I guess it is only a bad movie, and it was needed to further the plot, so I should just let it go. (But really, I am not opposed to age differences in relationships, just maybe wait until you are out of high school before you start dating someone that is close to 30. It just seems skeevy to me. Can you imagine going to the prom when you are 30? You would be the creepy old guy at the high school dance.)

When the main characters start to figure out that something strange is going on, you know, with the whole body snatching thing and all, the movie starts to get a little more exciting. Jennifer Tilly's sister gets abducted snatched and emerges nude from the bedroom closet (I am pretty sure it is a body double though, because they never show her face and body in the same shot. Sister Tilly is too good to show her boobs in a movie? Give me a break.). We also get to see bunch of military guys spilling toxic barrels in a warehouse (insert apocalyptic scenario here... I never said the movie was original). So many horror movies start that way. Return of the Living Dead is a great example that proves our theory about snatching toxic chemicals from the government and accidentally spilling them in warehouses.  They're on a collision course with wackiness. (MST3K anyone?).

This is an alien movie, and I just realized that I haven't really given you that much info on them yet (except that they are body snatching aliens of course). They start out in a form that looks a lot like rice noodles and while you are sleeping (don't go to sleep is the movie's catch phrase) they wiggle all over your face and try to snatch your body! Once you have been taken over, they hatch a calm emotionless alien from inside of you. This is what happens to Sister Tilly right before her body double's nude scene. The teenage sister knows that there is something strange going on but still manages to fall asleep in a bubble bath. When she dozes off, the rice noodle aliens try to possess her by worming their way up her nose. What I want to know is why the girl in always takes a bubble bath in horror movies?  And why do they always fall asleep? It is so uncomfortable to sleep with your head on the side of a bathtub, and how can you possibly relax when there are monsters out to get you?

The scariest scene in Body Snatchers is not during an abduction however; for me it has got to be the scene when Sister Tilly gives Fake Cage a massage. There are all of these extreme close ups of her hands rubbing his back and his skin is all oiled up. It is really disturbing. I also really liked this other scene toward the end of the movie where the aliens decide to have an intervention for Joe Handsome (or maybe they were really trying to snatch his body, but I like the intervention idea better). They surround them in his room to confront him about his New Kids on the Block hair. It really is what any good friend would do if you did you hair like Jordan Knight. Oh oh oh oh oh, the right stuff...

     

Did I forget to mention that Forest Whitaker is in the movie too? Maybe I should have told you about his cameo earlier, or maybe I was saving the best part of the movie for last. He really is one of  the best things about Body Snatchers and the most talented person in the cast. It is really unfortunate that he gets the smallest amount of screen time. He is only in 2 short scenes, where they introduce his character, and when they kill snatch him (I warned you I would be giving things away).

Despite the fact that Forest Whitaker is the best actor in the movie, my favorite part isn't one of his scenes. The best part of this movie is definitely when we get to watch Joe Handsome figure out how to fool the stupid aliens so he can escape. He uses the Shaun of the Dead method and pretends to be one of them. He just walks through the crowd pretending to have no emotions and somehow manages to not get noticed! He really is an awful actor, I don't believe him as a military guy, so I have no idea how he fooled the aliens, they must be pretty dumb to let him sneak through.

Joe Handsome's brilliant escape leads us into the ending of the movie that I just can't ignore. While pretending to be a body snatching alien, he manages to rescue Haley Joel and the teenage sister. He steals a helicopter from the army base and flies the three of them away from danger. While they are in the air above the army base, Haley Joel snaps and tries to strangle his sister.  Apparently he was body snatched at some point off camera, i really didn't see that coming. The sister fights back and ends up throwing Haley Joel out of the helicopter. She throws a 5 year old out of a helicopter! How can they do that? After the horrifying scene featuring a small child falling to his death, the camera pans out to a view of the military base with the helicopter hovering over it. The next thing you know, Joe Handsome and Teenage Sister start shooting at the base and end up blowing everything up; buildings, people, everything! Once everything in sight is on fire, they fade back to inside of the helicopter and focus on the girls somber face, as her monologue begins. She reminisces about what she did on her summer vacation while she flies away in her boyfriend's helicopter.  What do they think this is, Rambo II? This was not the ending I was expecting.  

So to sum up, Body Snatchers is an awful movie that has such bad acting that it is laughable. It isn't unwatchable, it is even a little entertaining, but despite the good parts (Forest Whitaker, Fake Cage, big hair, aliens, explosions) the bad parts take over. It is worth watching if you are looking for a no brainer with goofy acting. We officially give Body Snatchers a 3 out of 10.

Have you watched any movies lately that star any look alikes similar to Fake Cage, Joe Handsome (AKA Jordan Knight) or the kid who may or may not be Haley Joel Osment?