StarThor, Why is he from outerspace all of a sudden?

THOR

(or should I say Star-Thor?)

Tom and I recently watched Thor  from 2011 (wow, a new release for once!) starring star-thoring Chris Hemsworth (Tony...heh, heh, Tony, pretty boy, Tony...), Natalie Portman, and Anthoy Hopkins, and directed by Kenneth Branagh (who?). The cast was ok, no really horrible acting in this one, but it was strangely put together. There are 2 completely different movies going on at the same time that are both different in the type of story and in the style. One story is actually entertaining while the other is super goofy. With these 2 separate stories going on at once, we were left wondering if Branagh was attempting to make The Godfather part II of superhero movies.

Thor starts out alright, and on Earth, with a story about scientists working on some research project. Natalie Portman plays an astrophysicist (Really? I mean, she is a good actress and all, but an astrophysicist? I'm not buying it. She is way too young to have a doctorate or the type of credentials that an anstrophysicist with a government research grant would have.) whose path crosses with Thor when she hits him with her car. I don't know if you are aware of this or not, but Tom and I have this running discussion about pretty girls in movies. A trend that we have noticed, and discussed a great length, is that when they put a pretty girl in a role where she is playing an intelligent character, they always have her wear glasses. (and be have been having this discussion long before Larry tells Leon to wear glasses to get more respect on Curb) Why does she have to wear glasses to be/look smart? Do they think that the stupid masses will buy it if they have a dumb girl with glasses play a scientist? This, by the way, has nothing to do with Natalie Portman. We were pleasantly suprised to see that they did not put her in glasses to make her more believable as an astrophysicist, apparently she is a good enough actress to carry the role on her own, but we have seen many movies where they try to pull this off. My favorite example of this (and by favorite, I mean the most ridiculous) is in the movie Alone in the Dark where Tara Reid plays a genius anthropologist. Yes, you read that right, Tara Reid as not just an anthropologist, but a genius anthropologist. In an attempt to make Reid look the part, they pulled her hair back into a bun and put glasses on her. Yeah, that makes it believable. Dosn't she look smart?

So anyway, Natalie Portman, the astrophysicist with 20/20 vision, hits Thor with her car and gets out to see if he is alive. While He is laying in the road, the camera zooms in on his face and we are suddenly transported to movie #2 that takes place not in the rhelm of the gods, but on another planet. Aparently in this version, Thor is an alien not a god. I have a big problem with this. I am really trying not to get all "Miss know it all" on you, but I do have a little knowledge on the subject considering that Classical History & Archaeology was my minor in college and therefore I have spend a lot of time studying mythology. I mean, my  fat cat's name is Loki for alien's god's sake (who is also a character in Thor) so I think it is safe to say that I know the basics of Norse Mythology. How can they just make the Nordic Gods from outerspace? Do they think that they can get away with it because Norse isn't as commonly known as Greek or Roman theology? Wouldn't it have been strange if the remake of Clash of the Titans took place in space? I just don't get it. I know that this is a superhero/comicbook movie and I should just settle down about it, but this was my big issue with Thor (or should I say Star-Thor?) right from the get go. Oh, and if you were wondering how fat my cat Loki really is, here ya go:

Isn't she huge?

Once we are transported to Thor's home planet, we get to meet his family and his gang of followers. His father is Hannibal Lecter, who is the king of the rhelm/planet/deathstar or wherever they are supposed to be, and his brother is Loki, the alien trouble maker, not my fat cat or the god of mischief. They all live on what looks to be either the Deathstar or some place within the world of Tron, but since Thor never runs into The Dude, it must be the Deathstar not Tron. Now that we have established that Thor is from the Deathstar, it still seems a little hard to imagine it being run by Dr. Lecter rather than Darth Vader, but Thor helps us to easily envision this. On the Deathstar, Dr. Lecter, Thor and Loki  wear some interesting armored costumes too. They all have large silver disks all over their chests. Tom and I have a theory that the amount of disks you wear denotes your importance. Since Hannibal Lector is the king, he wears many more disks then everyone else. It is an interesting way to show their Deathstar class system. Thor and Loki wear less disks then their father, and Thor's gang wears none at all. Speaking of Thor's gang, it consists of a very unlikely group of characters. It features Roman Warrior Titus Pullo (from HBO's Rome) with a mop glued to his face, Xena Warrior Princess, Cary Elwes' little brother Lynn, and that guy from Tekken.  

If this picture dosen't help you with my little comparison, here are some more pictures for you to compare to the above image of Thor's gang:

 

Can you see the similarities?

On the Deathstar that is run by Hannibal Lecter, there is a battle going on between Dr. Lecter's followers (mainly Loki, Thor and his gang) and the Frost Giants. (Yes, the bad guys are called the Frost Giants. They couldn't even come up with a cool name to call them. Frost Giants? Really?) The Frost Giants sneek onto the Deathstar and steal Dr. Lecter's giant glowing blue raspberry jolly rancher and stash it at Superman's Father's place on Krypton. Thor, Loki and the gang decide that they are going to get the jolly rancher back but this makes the Frost Giants angry and untimately starts a war between the two groups. To get to the place where the Frost Giants live, they all have to travel through this machine that looks a lot like the roter from the Great Escape in Lake George. You remember the Roter, right? It spins around really fast, you stick to the wall, the floor drops out from underneath you and then you throw up all over yourself. We have all been on it at least once.

The Rotor that they keep on the Deathstar is guarded by that guy who played Charles Miner on The Office. (You remember him, right? He is the guy who is in charge when Michael is running the Michael Scott Paper Company who really hates Jim.) He is called "the Gatekeeper" in this movie, and stands at the entrance of The Roter (possibly awaiting the arrival of the Keymaster).

It seems like every other scene in Thor's movie #2 is a CGI action sequence. There is so much CGI that I felt like i was watching a cartoon. The 3D effects are so gimicky too, every other scene features a shot of Thor's hammer flying at the camera. It got old really quickly.

Once Thor is finally banished to Earth by Dr. Lecter for starting a war with the Frost Giants over the glowing jolly rancher, the movie gets a lot better. We are finally back to movie #1 taking place back on Earth.

Astrophysicist Natalie Portman hits Thor with her car and either because she thinks he is cute or she feels bad for almost killing him, she takes him with her. This is where the movie starts getting a lot more enjoyable. We have the privilege of seeing the unoriginal and overused theme of "the fish out of water" but it is still fun to watch. Thor has encounters with diner waitresses and a bunch of rednecks that make him realize that now that he is on Earth, he is powerless. There is a really great Sword in the Stone scene where a bunch of tough guy men, including Thor, attempt to pull the hammer out of the crater that it created when it fell to Earth. It really drives home for Thor the fact that he is now a weak Earthling. The movie goes on for a while like this. Thor is weak but trying to regain his powers and can't figure out why his father would punish him in this way.

I don't want to spoil the entire ending for you, so I wont give you the movies specifics, but just like in mythology, Thor does a selfless act that makes him once again worthy to wield his powerful weapon and is able to finally pull the hammer from the ground and save the day. There is a really great scene after he regains his power in which Thor cockily (did I just make that word up? it was in my spell check dictionary) strolls towards the big bad monster for the final showdown. Tom couldn't help but compare this scene to the awesomely bad but still great movie Stone Cold starring Brian Bosworth. Thor certainly had the Bosworth strut down perfectly. The only thing that he was missing the the famous "skunk mullet". Just in case you have never seen Stone Cold (and why would you have? Tom and Brian Bosworth's mother are the only ones that actually own a copy of this movie) here is a great clip from it.

Now I know what you are thinking. How could I possibly include a supermarket scene from a movie that isn't Cobra? We all know that Cobra's supermarket scene is by far the best movie supermarket scene in film history. So, just because I can't help myself, here is a montage from the best movie ever made, Cobra. 

And this, by the way, has absolutely nothing to do with Thor.

So anyway, let's get back to why we are here. Thor ends the same way that all comic book/superhero movies end, with an over the top (I am trying really hard to not include a clip from another Stallone movie here) CGI action sequence where the hero has a show down with the big monster. 

All in all, it was an entertaining movie for what it was. It was pure fluff, a popcorn movie, and yet it was embarrassingly fun to watch; even though they made Thor from outer space. While we did enjoy watching this movie, it left us wondering one very probing question. What the hell happened to the giant, glowing, blue raspberry jolly rancher?

We officially rate Thor a 5 out of 10.

Body Snatchers/How many times can I write the word snatch in this review?

Body Snatchers

 Our 12 year old brains are just loving this one!

**SPOILER ALERT** SPOILER ALERT** SPOILER ALERT** SPOILER ALERT** 

We recently watched the 1993 Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake called just Body Snatchers (which gives me an excuse to see how many times I can write the word snatch in 1 post) directed by Abel Ferrera (I don't know who he is either). And just to forewarn you, I will be ruining the ending of this movie. The ending is just too bizarre/surprising/awful for me not to discuss. We try really hard to not ruin the end of movies for you (unlike that guy at Blockbuster who ruined Beneath the Planet of the Apes for me. How can you work at a video rental store and tell the customer the ending of the movie they are renting? What was wrong with that guy?) but in this case, it is unavoidable. So, I am officially warning you, this is your "spoiler alert", but I really don't think that I am ruining anything major. This isn't exactly an award winning movie. That being out of the way, on with the show....

This horror masterpiece (yeah right) started out a little strange for me. We were watching the opening credits, and the movie title came onto the screen, in normal beginning of the movie fashion. But this time it was printed a little odd. The movie title Body Snatchers appears, the letters are in all caps and it seems like the "C" in "Snatchers" is snatching the "H". What is that all about?

It it the only letter like that in the entire credits and I really don't get what the point of it is. It made me ask Tom, "What is with the little H?" His thought was that they wanted us to think of Cher's Oscar winning snatch throughout the movie (do you see it?). I think that is a good possibility. I know that is what we were both fixated on during the opening. Tom couldn't get the If I Could Turn Back Time video out of his head, and just in case you have forgotten it (although I don't know how you could) here is a snatchy reminder:

 

Anyway, enough about H snatching and Cher's scantily clad snatch. (Have I said snatch enough times for you yet? I hope your minds are as juvenile as mine because I am going to beat that joke to death and giggle each time I type it.) 

Body Snatchers focuses on a family of 4 that spend their summer vacation near a military base. The Father is some kind of scientist and is doing research there. Oh, and he is played by the poor man's Nicholas Cage, Terry Kenney (although since he has gone bald gracefully, maybe Nicholas Cage really is the poor man's Terry Kenney. Kenney looks so much like Nicholas Cage in Body Snatchers, between the thinning shaggy hair and the skinny metal framed glasses and he is a lot less over the top then Cage.) If Nicholas Cage really was in Snatchers it would have been a very different movie. I wonder if they offered the role to Cage and he turned it down?

The Mom is played by Jennifer Tilly's less annoying sister (she is the mom of the little boy and the step mom of the teenage girl which creates some slightly irritating tension within the family). You may not know this, but Sister Tilly is also the girl from Psycho 2 who tries to trick Norman Bates into thinking that he has lost his mind, again. (Just a little side note, if you haven't seen any of the Psycho sequels you really should. They are actually very entertaining and surprisingly good horror flicks, even considering that the original is such a classic. So snatch yourself a copy and check them out. They really are worth your time.) The 2 kids in the family are, as I briefly mentioned before, a typically angry teenage daughter who tries to shut out the world by putting on her Walkman and a little brother who from here on out will only be known as "the kid who may or may not be Haley Joel Osment" who is put into daycare once they get to their military base vacation (Who goes on a trip with the kids and puts the youngest in day care? Isn't the point of a family vacation to spend quality time together?). 

In case you are wondering how much this kid really looks like Haley Joel Osment, here is a comparison:

  

Don't they look snatchingly similar? (I had to sneak that snatch in, it has been a while, although the juxtaposition of those dirty words and the little boys' faces does kinda creep me out a little. They shouldn't be anywhere near each other. Sorry about that.)

So anyway (jeez, I like to ramble, don't I?), the kid who may or may be Haley Joel Osment is sent to daycare on their family vacation, and while in daycare, the kids enjoy some finger painting. When all the kids are done, they hold up their pictures for the teacher to see. The camera pans around the room showing that all the kids made the same red and black tentacle finger paintings.  The kid who may or may not be Haley Joel Osment notices that his is the only painting that's different. (I thought that his was a lot scarier then the others, with its black hole center and radiating red streaks. It was real scary.) This is when the audience, and Haley Joel realize that all of the children have been body snatched! Haley Joel then runs out of the school and into the rescuing arms of our hero who brings him home safely (and oh boy, what a hero he is). This beefy, brave army guy, who I will be referring to as "Joe Handsome" hangs around long enough to become the sister's boyfriend (of course he does). His acting is so bad, it's no wonder why you haven't seen him in anything else (to our surprise, he was also in in The Lost Boys. Who would have thought? He really is terrible though. He even managed to slip in a "how you doin?" I wasn't kidding about his awful acting.). I was made a little uneasy by watching Joe Handsome make out with the much younger 16 year old girl. He's got to be pushing 30. Does anyone else see anything wrong with that? I guess it is only a bad movie, and it was needed to further the plot, so I should just let it go. (But really, I am not opposed to age differences in relationships, just maybe wait until you are out of high school before you start dating someone that is close to 30. It just seems skeevy to me. Can you imagine going to the prom when you are 30? You would be the creepy old guy at the high school dance.)

When the main characters start to figure out that something strange is going on, you know, with the whole body snatching thing and all, the movie starts to get a little more exciting. Jennifer Tilly's sister gets abducted snatched and emerges nude from the bedroom closet (I am pretty sure it is a body double though, because they never show her face and body in the same shot. Sister Tilly is too good to show her boobs in a movie? Give me a break.). We also get to see bunch of military guys spilling toxic barrels in a warehouse (insert apocalyptic scenario here... I never said the movie was original). So many horror movies start that way. Return of the Living Dead is a great example that proves our theory about snatching toxic chemicals from the government and accidentally spilling them in warehouses.  They're on a collision course with wackiness. (MST3K anyone?).

This is an alien movie, and I just realized that I haven't really given you that much info on them yet (except that they are body snatching aliens of course). They start out in a form that looks a lot like rice noodles and while you are sleeping (don't go to sleep is the movie's catch phrase) they wiggle all over your face and try to snatch your body! Once you have been taken over, they hatch a calm emotionless alien from inside of you. This is what happens to Sister Tilly right before her body double's nude scene. The teenage sister knows that there is something strange going on but still manages to fall asleep in a bubble bath. When she dozes off, the rice noodle aliens try to possess her by worming their way up her nose. What I want to know is why the girl in always takes a bubble bath in horror movies?  And why do they always fall asleep? It is so uncomfortable to sleep with your head on the side of a bathtub, and how can you possibly relax when there are monsters out to get you?

The scariest scene in Body Snatchers is not during an abduction however; for me it has got to be the scene when Sister Tilly gives Fake Cage a massage. There are all of these extreme close ups of her hands rubbing his back and his skin is all oiled up. It is really disturbing. I also really liked this other scene toward the end of the movie where the aliens decide to have an intervention for Joe Handsome (or maybe they were really trying to snatch his body, but I like the intervention idea better). They surround them in his room to confront him about his New Kids on the Block hair. It really is what any good friend would do if you did you hair like Jordan Knight. Oh oh oh oh oh, the right stuff...

     

Did I forget to mention that Forest Whitaker is in the movie too? Maybe I should have told you about his cameo earlier, or maybe I was saving the best part of the movie for last. He really is one of  the best things about Body Snatchers and the most talented person in the cast. It is really unfortunate that he gets the smallest amount of screen time. He is only in 2 short scenes, where they introduce his character, and when they kill snatch him (I warned you I would be giving things away).

Despite the fact that Forest Whitaker is the best actor in the movie, my favorite part isn't one of his scenes. The best part of this movie is definitely when we get to watch Joe Handsome figure out how to fool the stupid aliens so he can escape. He uses the Shaun of the Dead method and pretends to be one of them. He just walks through the crowd pretending to have no emotions and somehow manages to not get noticed! He really is an awful actor, I don't believe him as a military guy, so I have no idea how he fooled the aliens, they must be pretty dumb to let him sneak through.

Joe Handsome's brilliant escape leads us into the ending of the movie that I just can't ignore. While pretending to be a body snatching alien, he manages to rescue Haley Joel and the teenage sister. He steals a helicopter from the army base and flies the three of them away from danger. While they are in the air above the army base, Haley Joel snaps and tries to strangle his sister.  Apparently he was body snatched at some point off camera, i really didn't see that coming. The sister fights back and ends up throwing Haley Joel out of the helicopter. She throws a 5 year old out of a helicopter! How can they do that? After the horrifying scene featuring a small child falling to his death, the camera pans out to a view of the military base with the helicopter hovering over it. The next thing you know, Joe Handsome and Teenage Sister start shooting at the base and end up blowing everything up; buildings, people, everything! Once everything in sight is on fire, they fade back to inside of the helicopter and focus on the girls somber face, as her monologue begins. She reminisces about what she did on her summer vacation while she flies away in her boyfriend's helicopter.  What do they think this is, Rambo II? This was not the ending I was expecting.  

So to sum up, Body Snatchers is an awful movie that has such bad acting that it is laughable. It isn't unwatchable, it is even a little entertaining, but despite the good parts (Forest Whitaker, Fake Cage, big hair, aliens, explosions) the bad parts take over. It is worth watching if you are looking for a no brainer with goofy acting. We officially give Body Snatchers a 3 out of 10.

Have you watched any movies lately that star any look alikes similar to Fake Cage, Joe Handsome (AKA Jordan Knight) or the kid who may or may not be Haley Joel Osment?